Time Just Seems to Fly By Anymore

Time Just Seems to Fly By Anymore…

“The day we met,
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I’d found a home for my heart…
…beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow..”

Time has seemed to fly by so fast the past few years. It seems like I was just starting college last year, when in reality it was 3.5 yrs ago. I’m a Senior in college. A SENIOR!! I still can’t get over it. I’ve grown so much as a person, I look back at myself when I started and I’m definitely not the same person, which is a good thing. I’ve had so many people come into my life and never seen them again. People who have had a impact on my life; good and bad. Some that I’m thankful are no longer in my life, but also some who I wish had never left. There’s this one person in particular that I met 3 years ago today, well yesterday, that I shared some of my best college memories with. Someone who helped me grow as a better person, whether he was with me or not. It’s not like he’s out of my life completely, we still talk a lot but I haven’t seen him in almost a year which breaks my heart. I know when we were having problems and breaking up, I told him if we did break up I couldn’t still be friends with him, that I didn’t want to be. Because I wanted to be with him still, and if we weren’t, I didn’t want to see him because if I did old memories would come back and I would want to and beat myself up for messing things up. Which is what I’m doing anyway. But, I feel like he took what I said seriously and wants to keep his distance and not be friends, even though he says he misses me and that we’re still friends but I don’t know. I take back what I said that night, that I didn’t want to be friends if we broke up, cuz now I’m regretting everything and missing him more and more and more memories are coming back at night and haunting me. Like I still seriously wake up at night, heart racing, sweating, anxiety attack from a nightmare of us. Whether it be something that happened, like that night, coming back to haunt me or one of everything being ok, us still together and waking up realizing it was just a dream and that it’s never going to happen. I know I fucked things up, BAD. I’ve let go and stopped regretting things but memories keep coming back and fucking that up and bringing things back. I see people out and they still refer to me as “HIS GIRL” and when I try to start a relationship with someone, I back off before I can get hurt again; I’m afraid of the same thing happening again, I don’t want to feel the same things twice, It will literally kill me. But I just have to remember to “Live every day like it’s your last” and “Things happen for a reason” and just keep trucking on. Dive into my work and surround myself with my work. I really do believe that art therapy can help ‘heal’ someone and make them more at peace with their lives, that’s what I try to do. And talking to someone or blogging like this definitely helps too. :-)

“Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try..”

@chelscarbaugh
@trualityradio
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Www.listen2diamond.com